Beyond The Heartache

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 The love, dating and relationship world is inherently complicated. this minute you're okay but the next minute is uncertain. I will keep kicking against bad relationships regardless of the type, it's hard to forget , experience keep crawling in at every interval especially the bad/hurtful ones. 

I thought this experiences will make me a better person but it's not. Involuntarily I react to unnecessary things because of it and at the end I begin to regret.....



Each time I realized how I was bad treated, tears keep rolling down my eyes, I was never a priority but deep in my head I thought was even with everything happening but stuck headed me remained there but you won't blame me, I find it difficult to walk away more like I was chained.

My heart is broken and I still ask if I will love like before, freely but now I have to tell myself the truth. I love without emotions, emotions only come at interval and no matter how hard it comes I find a way to tame it. I don't want to be a foolish lover again, am scared of heartbreak,am scared of failed promises. I loved so well and even on empty promises, stupid me. Hahaha 

At this point of my life, I don't know if I love or just going with the flow, am so scared to my bones that I want to drop any part of me anywhere or with anyone. 

Intimacy used to be a bonding act for me but now, it's just an act to ease stress and satisfy urge. No memories or fantasy, am just living. 

Each time I think about everything, I blame myself for giving almost everything and dropping me too, if I had 50% of me with me, it won't be this difficult to overcome. I experienced heartbreak once and guess what, i don't wanna experience that and that's why I fear marriage or some sort of commitment. Imagine spending a whole time with someone and you begin to get comfortable with boom! This being vanishes and move over to someone else, that feeling is killing no matter how  strong you think you are. Now I get to blame myself for everything cause nobody understands.

I know life is never fair and nobody gives a fuck but then I can't make that difference, I guess it time I play with the code shown and give back just as you're given. 

Emotions seems to be a prison to keep the weak imprisoned cause explain to me why I should feel emotional over someone or thing that might at any time don't care. Hmmmmm



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